Existential Life Issues for all of us
A mother emailed me the other day to tell me that her son had told her that he is gay. She was upset because she fears that life will be more difficult for him as a gay man than it would be as a heterosexual. As is true for all healthy parents she wants life to be without major pain for her children. That is very understandable. The truth is that, as parents, we cannot protect our children from pain. We could attempt to convince them that it is better to go though this life journey with as many masks as possible. If the person is successful in masking or hiding their true self they will not experience the pain, which can come from internalizing the criticism of another. Sadly they will experience the even worse pain of being disconnected from themselves and others. They will feel an enormous sense of loneliness which is another kind of pain.
Emotionally and spiritually the existential life issue for all of us is whether we have the courage to be who we are emotionally, politically, culturally, racially, sexually, vocationally or otherwise. Anne Lamott talks about learning to be upwardly mobile which was, for her, the same as being upwardly miserable. Someone else might do really well in the fast track unless, of course, they are doing this track to please or impress someone or in the mistakenly belief that if they have enough money they and their family will be happy.
A colleague of mine lost over $13,000,000.00 dollars in the Madoff scam. Although this was disappointing and it meant that he lost his house and much more, he was okay with it. He simply said, “It is only money, I am lucky that, at 70, I can still work.” His wife, however, had a very difficult time accepting their poorer status, took her money and left.
Just today I was talking with a friend and colleague about some people we know who have convinced themselves that they are trapped in their current jobs; that they have no options. This forces them to choose between being homeless; reducing their living standards monetarily, begging to live with family members despite the fact that they are well into adulthood, or putting themselves and their opinions and values on hold and try harder to be good little puppets.
Earlier today I was talking to a woman who was recently convinced that she was trapped and had no options regarding living situation, job or in other areas of her life. Today, she can see that she has a number of options. She had to emerge from her self imposed, depressive cave and begin to talk to others – to see a larger world which was there the entire time.
I was convinced that I was “called” to be a minister in the Presbyterian Church. I finished college and then spent three years obtaining a Masters of Divinity degree, going through rigorous ordination exams only to find a couple of years later that was not my calling. Prior to all this I had attended the U. S. Naval Academy majoring in Engineering. The primary motivation for taking the exams and jumping through all the hoops to get there was because I wanted to please others. Eventually I ended up getting a masters in clinical psychology and working as a counselor/therapist. I continue to do some life coaching and addiction counseling. I also continue to write this daily blog. I had to finally quit trying to please or win the approval of others and do what felt right for me. Obviously, for me that was not something which came “naturally” to me. Yet, all those experiences prior to becoming a licensed counselor helped me become the person that I am today – a still growing person whose truth continues to unfold.
How do we know what we are called to do? What if we only know what we are not called to do?
· The best answer I know is:
listen – to be quiet and listen. Of course, if I just listen inside my cave with no connection with the world outside of my cave I may not hear an answer. Hiding in my cave is much different that a silent, guided retreat. The daughter of a friend of mine spent 3 years on a silent retreat under direction of a spiritual guide. She was actively putting herself in a place to listen to her own heart; to find her truth even if it was not a comfortable truth.
· See – Really allow yourself to see the colors of the universe and how all the pieces of the universe fit together.
· Feel – Allow your passion to rise to the surface. This may take a little time. We may have long ago locked our passion into an internal strongbox because we thought our passion was not pleasing to our parents, our church, or others.
· Reach out – Communicate with others who seem delighted with life. Reach books by such people as Sonia Sotomayor, the Supreme Court Justice who grew up in the project with a mother who had to work the afternoon shift of a low paying job and an alcoholic father and who lived with childhood diabetes which required her to learn to give herself shots at eight. Follow the examples of such later bloomers as: Frank McCourt, age 49; George Elliott, age 40; Toni Morison, age 40 (later won Nobel prize and Publizer Prize); Mark Twain, age 49. There are many examples of people who did not start owning their passion and talent until in their sixties or seventies.
I am reminded of a Pueblo Indian Prayer:
Hold on to what is good, even it it’s a handful of earth. Hold on to what you believe, even it it’s a tree that stands by itself. Hold on to what you must do, even it it’s a long way from here. Hold on to your life, even if it’s easier to let go. Hold on to my hand, even if I’ve gone away from you.
This morning in my email in box I found a note from “The Tapping Solution” by Nick Ortner. In this email he shared “Recipe for Success” which he suggested we share with those we love. Thus I am taking the liberty of sharing with those I love, my readers. I do encourage you to also sign to get on the mailing list for “The Tapping Solution” and to explore his new book, “The Tapping Solution for Pain Relief”.
His recipe:
(makes one serving which is all you need to change the world)
Step 1: Pour one cup of PASSION into your mixing bowl. If you have two cups or three cups, heck, throw them in as well.
Step 2: Put your passion on the stove until it is nice and hot. It should be boiling and look like it’s about to explode at any moment. We’re going to settle it down a bit buy adding a pint(or ten) of ACTION. Stir the actin and the passion together until they blend smoothly.
Let it simmer like this for 10-15 minutes (or 0-20 years, depends on your particular situation)
Step 3: This is where it gets a bit hairy, so pay close attention. You’ll notice the passion and action start to cool down a bit, and you’ll see some BUMPS, SETBACKS, and FEARS developing in the mixture.
This is where you need to empty your kitchen cabinets and throw in as much PERSISTENCE as you can. Chuck in any you can find. Keep stirring. You’ll soon notice it’s coming together perfectly, smells delicious and is ready to serve the world.
Additional seasonings to taste: Love, Patience, Joy
Kitchen tools that make the whole process easier:
Exercise, meditation, EFT Tapping.
Now when I started this blog yesterday I did not know that I would “find” this recipe from Mr. Ortner this morning and I was not consciously thinking of the Pueblo Indian Prayer My experience is that I must start writing with a the essential ingredients which Mr. Ortner has in his recipe. Often the first words I write it that I seem to have nothing to say. Soon ,despite having nothing to say, the word count tells me I have more than 1200 words.
All of us are going to have our existential crisis moments, moments which force us to take what Soren Kierkegaard terms that “Leap of Faith”. As parents, despite our fears and our desire to protect our children we are going to need to encourage them to take that leap. More than anything we do not want them to wither and die because we are afraid that they will be hurt or made fun of. This may be frightening for us and force us to confront the fact that the only power we have is to love our children. Protecting them from the world is not an option.
A mother emailed me the other day to tell me that her son had told her that he is gay. She was upset because she fears that life will be more difficult for him as a gay man than it would be as a heterosexual. As is true for all healthy parents she wants life to be without major pain for her children. That is very understandable. The truth is that, as parents, we cannot protect our children from pain. We could attempt to convince them that it is better to go though this life journey with as many masks as possible. If the person is successful in masking or hiding their true self they will not experience the pain, which can come from internalizing the criticism of another. Sadly they will experience the even worse pain of being disconnected from themselves and others. They will feel an enormous sense of loneliness which is another kind of pain.
Emotionally and spiritually the existential life issue for all of us is whether we have the courage to be who we are emotionally, politically, culturally, racially, sexually, vocationally or otherwise. Anne Lamott talks about learning to be upwardly mobile which was, for her, the same as being upwardly miserable. Someone else might do really well in the fast track unless, of course, they are doing this track to please or impress someone or in the mistakenly belief that if they have enough money they and their family will be happy.
A colleague of mine lost over $13,000,000.00 dollars in the Madoff scam. Although this was disappointing and it meant that he lost his house and much more, he was okay with it. He simply said, “It is only money, I am lucky that, at 70, I can still work.” His wife, however, had a very difficult time accepting their poorer status, took her money and left.
Just today I was talking with a friend and colleague about some people we know who have convinced themselves that they are trapped in their current jobs; that they have no options. This forces them to choose between being homeless; reducing their living standards monetarily, begging to live with family members despite the fact that they are well into adulthood, or putting themselves and their opinions and values on hold and try harder to be good little puppets.
Earlier today I was talking to a woman who was recently convinced that she was trapped and had no options regarding living situation, job or in other areas of her life. Today, she can see that she has a number of options. She had to emerge from her self imposed, depressive cave and begin to talk to others – to see a larger world which was there the entire time.
I was convinced that I was “called” to be a minister in the Presbyterian Church. I finished college and then spent three years obtaining a Masters of Divinity degree, going through rigorous ordination exams only to find a couple of years later that was not my calling. Prior to all this I had attended the U. S. Naval Academy majoring in Engineering. The primary motivation for taking the exams and jumping through all the hoops to get there was because I wanted to please others. Eventually I ended up getting a masters in clinical psychology and working as a counselor/therapist. I continue to do some life coaching and addiction counseling. I also continue to write this daily blog. I had to finally quit trying to please or win the approval of others and do what felt right for me. Obviously, for me that was not something which came “naturally” to me. Yet, all those experiences prior to becoming a licensed counselor helped me become the person that I am today – a still growing person whose truth continues to unfold.
How do we know what we are called to do? What if we only know what we are not called to do?
· The best answer I know is:
listen – to be quiet and listen. Of course, if I just listen inside my cave with no connection with the world outside of my cave I may not hear an answer. Hiding in my cave is much different that a silent, guided retreat. The daughter of a friend of mine spent 3 years on a silent retreat under direction of a spiritual guide. She was actively putting herself in a place to listen to her own heart; to find her truth even if it was not a comfortable truth.
· See – Really allow yourself to see the colors of the universe and how all the pieces of the universe fit together.
· Feel – Allow your passion to rise to the surface. This may take a little time. We may have long ago locked our passion into an internal strongbox because we thought our passion was not pleasing to our parents, our church, or others.
· Reach out – Communicate with others who seem delighted with life. Reach books by such people as Sonia Sotomayor, the Supreme Court Justice who grew up in the project with a mother who had to work the afternoon shift of a low paying job and an alcoholic father and who lived with childhood diabetes which required her to learn to give herself shots at eight. Follow the examples of such later bloomers as: Frank McCourt, age 49; George Elliott, age 40; Toni Morison, age 40 (later won Nobel prize and Publizer Prize); Mark Twain, age 49. There are many examples of people who did not start owning their passion and talent until in their sixties or seventies.
I am reminded of a Pueblo Indian Prayer:
Hold on to what is good, even it it’s a handful of earth. Hold on to what you believe, even it it’s a tree that stands by itself. Hold on to what you must do, even it it’s a long way from here. Hold on to your life, even if it’s easier to let go. Hold on to my hand, even if I’ve gone away from you.
This morning in my email in box I found a note from “The Tapping Solution” by Nick Ortner. In this email he shared “Recipe for Success” which he suggested we share with those we love. Thus I am taking the liberty of sharing with those I love, my readers. I do encourage you to also sign to get on the mailing list for “The Tapping Solution” and to explore his new book, “The Tapping Solution for Pain Relief”.
His recipe:
(makes one serving which is all you need to change the world)
Step 1: Pour one cup of PASSION into your mixing bowl. If you have two cups or three cups, heck, throw them in as well.
Step 2: Put your passion on the stove until it is nice and hot. It should be boiling and look like it’s about to explode at any moment. We’re going to settle it down a bit buy adding a pint(or ten) of ACTION. Stir the actin and the passion together until they blend smoothly.
Let it simmer like this for 10-15 minutes (or 0-20 years, depends on your particular situation)
Step 3: This is where it gets a bit hairy, so pay close attention. You’ll notice the passion and action start to cool down a bit, and you’ll see some BUMPS, SETBACKS, and FEARS developing in the mixture.
This is where you need to empty your kitchen cabinets and throw in as much PERSISTENCE as you can. Chuck in any you can find. Keep stirring. You’ll soon notice it’s coming together perfectly, smells delicious and is ready to serve the world.
Additional seasonings to taste: Love, Patience, Joy
Kitchen tools that make the whole process easier:
Exercise, meditation, EFT Tapping.
Now when I started this blog yesterday I did not know that I would “find” this recipe from Mr. Ortner this morning and I was not consciously thinking of the Pueblo Indian Prayer My experience is that I must start writing with a the essential ingredients which Mr. Ortner has in his recipe. Often the first words I write it that I seem to have nothing to say. Soon ,despite having nothing to say, the word count tells me I have more than 1200 words.
All of us are going to have our existential crisis moments, moments which force us to take what Soren Kierkegaard terms that “Leap of Faith”. As parents, despite our fears and our desire to protect our children we are going to need to encourage them to take that leap. More than anything we do not want them to wither and die because we are afraid that they will be hurt or made fun of. This may be frightening for us and force us to confront the fact that the only power we have is to love our children. Protecting them from the world is not an option.
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